And who gets to say, what is “too much”?
For the past few weeks, I’ve been deep in the struggle - in the valley as my mom prefers to call it. I’ve experienced numerous revelations during the month of May that I am determined to share with you. So expect for me to blunt and brutally transparent.
In the world as it is, both are needed anyway.
In the last 10 years of my life, I’ve never never dealt with my anxiety in a healthy way. I’ve been in and out of the hospital the last 6 years because the way I was (until recently) managing stress and anxiety was not sustainable. Although, in the moments, because I had yet to physically experience the damage my habits were manifesting, I actually thought I was dealing with my stress in a way that was super healthy. Nobody could tell me that I was wrong, honey, okkaaaay?
My coping mechanism? EATING. I LOVE FOOD. I told the truth about my eating disorder in 2014 in a video you can watch here. And until recently, until I started to truly feel the pain, I was still practicing this as a way to deal with life’s stressors.
Can I tell you about this pain? It. is. Real! (I wish I had a better phrase but I do not.) It wasn’t until I started to feel extreme pain in my chest, my throat and during times when I was trying to sleep, that I realized, GIRL, you have got to do something about allaaaa this. And whatever it is - it’s gotta happen ASAP.
The bottom line is the anxiousness and my desire to control everything around me set off an alarm in my body. My body was yelling, “PUT ME FIRST, DIAMONDE! PUT. ME FIRST.” And unfortunately, the only way it could get my attention was to bring about pain so debilitating coupled with anxiety so heart-wrenching, that my only choices would be sit down or make it worse.
The Lord’s ways of communicating are something else, right.
And can I tell you - It is true - He will use a bulldozer if the jackhammer and the hammer didn’t work. OK?
So in learning to how to manage my anxiety (I say manage because it does not go away), I had to look at what was making me anxious and I realized, one of the reasons was my because I was slacking on doing the things I actually wanted to do. The other things I felt called to do.
My truth is that I was caught up in being the CEO of Blossom to the point that I would tell myself, “If you do anything else, you will confuse people. Your work won’t seem authentic”. Solely focusing on Blossom was also the expectation I believed others had for me.
I’ve gotten so much advice in the past month that, honestly, I’ve let drown out my own voice, my own desires. Not to mention, I felt like I lost my voice after working in reality tv anyway, which I have to say, is another story - quite possibly for next week.
One of the things I used to love to do was create videos. You can check out my old ones here. When I started to think about doing videos again, I would also think to myself “Will people think I am doing too much?” “Will people question my loyalty to Blossom?” “Will people be confused?”
I started to let all those thoughts paralyze me to the point where I would not even turn on the camera to film a simple video. Even though it was something I loved. Even though, in hindsight, it is one my earliest catalysts. Creating videos was, and is, a part of my story.
But I let fear and the opinion of others STOP ME. Who is to tell me that I am doing too much? And please, tell me, what is doing too much anyway? Who has the ownership in that level of authority? Not one human being. Have you ever felt this way?
If I want to create videos, I am going to create videos.
If I want to write, I am going to write.
If I want to create strategy for others, I am going to.
No one gets to tell me or you, that we are doing too much. Now, if it starts to affect our health, we need to do some investigating. (Another topic I plan to discuss).
UPDATE: Once I recorded my first video after months and months of feeling the way I felt above, I felt liberated. The video wasn’t perfect. It had no professional backdrop and it was recorded it on my phone. It just felt good to something that I truly enjoyed - that I loved - that I WANTED TO DO. Something that felt like Diamonde.
In all of this, I decided that I would determine what it means to do too much. And for me, when the doing starts to stress ya girl out, it’s too much.
If you’ve felt this way, let me know! You know it’s always good to know you’re not alone.